Personal Commonplace Entry: Trouble with Paradise
Personal Commonplace Entry: Trouble with Paradise
Originally Written: Sat. March 11, ’23–6:51 PM
Riding the Fence
Ever since I dove into philosophical study, my belief system with respect to whether or not I think God exists has been shaken. I confuse myself sometimes, though. On the one hand, I still find myself respecting God by capitalizing His name and pronouns, as well as daring not to traverse too far in speech when verbally expressing my skepticism. On the other hand, I find myself emotionally and spiritually distanced to a fairly significant degree, in comparison to how I previously felt just last year.
I also tend to seek out more arguments against the existence of God than those which argue in His favor. Perhaps I know exactly why, perhaps I don’t. Perhaps I’m not being entirely honest with myself, though I indeed like to pride myself in my preservations of quite the opposite standard. Maybe I’m fooling myself, altogether, and I’m simply weak — hoping that death will bring nothingness because I’m afraid that my shortcomings and delicacies, including my lack of discipline, will ultimately prove to be my eternal demise.
Judgment Day
Nonetheless, the questions of faith and my spiritual being of self are of the utmost significance, for if the Heavens and infinite damnation are, in truth, just as tangible in their own likeness as the intelligible world to which I currently belong, I ought to align myself as precisely as possible with the doctrines provided to me by my original author. If it is all a scam, I lose nothing; but if it is all it claims to be, and I discard my faith without even a genuine effort to utilize the tools laid before me that are intended to guide my path, then I face a conclusive judgment in eternity that is promised to be much blacker than my darkest secular conceptions. Thus, I must continue my quest for enlightenment, knowledge, and truth. I also, then, must aim for more of a cautioned balance in the sources of insight and information that I consult for the closure I seek from this sort of inquisition.
A Messy Truth, Perhaps?
It could be a coincidence, of course, but I recently experienced a synchronicity that struck me by surprise: I had built a DIY bookshelf with two drawers from the bottom of an old water bed that I was no longer using and had it bolted to the wall behind the desk in my workstation at home. The wood was not very supportive and eventually gave way after a short time, liberating all of the books it contained to plummet to the floor — among the books were two of my Bibles. Recalling my recent ambivalence in regard to my faith, I half-heartedly opened up my KJV Bible and asked God to give me a sign if He existed. Then I opened the Bible and flipped to a random section of the text.
I did not have any place markers or bookmarks in this particular Bible, and none of its pages were the slightest bit worn or folded, as I did not, and still do not, use this particular Bible. The pages I had stopped on were numbered 1,528 and 1,529. Upon my first glance at the opened book, my eyes immediately connected with Colossians 2:4. I continued reading and stopped at Colossians 2:10. To my bewilderment, the aforementioned passages read as follows:
4 And this I say, lest any man should beguile you with enticing words.
5 For though I be absent in the flesh, yet am I with you in the spirit, joying and beholding your order, and the stedfastness of your faith in Christ.
6 As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him:
7 Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.
8 Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
9 For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily.
10 And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power
After highlighting the passages and marking the section with a sticky note, I summarized the experience in just a few sentences. Then, I closed the Bible and finished cleaning up the rest of my books.
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