Personal Commonplace Entry: My Affliction

Personal Commonplace Entry: My Affliction

Originally Written: Date Unknown

Much Like Achilles

Much like the characters within The Iliad of Homer (especially Achilles), I frequently identify issues and internal conflicts with myself that obviously need changing. I also know which courses of action are necessary to make such changes, but I always allow myself to collapse in the way of discipline. I know that this isn’t necessarily me. I’m aware that these behaviors and weaknesses are merely outdated programming. Yet, still, I add to the scale of effort required to break the cycle each time I give in.

I must implement change, urgently. It requires approximately 30 days to solidify a new habit. I only need to aim for small wins, regularly, to compound them into massive changes over time. So why do I seem to insist on pussyfooting my life away? It’s almost as if I would hate to accept myself the way I am, but nevertheless, I do. Again, another example of outdated programming. Our culture has popularized the idea of accepting people the way they are. While this idea may be useful in some instances, it is detrimental to the individual struggling internally and suffering from a lack of peace, fulfillment, and direction or purpose. Because to that person, is this all there is? Shit.

Dark Necessities

Indeed, there are many complexities that I possess, both physical and mental, that I am neither proud of nor content with. Sure, my insecurities were once much worse, but they still exist. I’m not so sure that a living human on this planet is free from the burden of insecurity. It’s an inherently human quality. Some of us are much more.. strange.. than others.

I have had very shameful urges in my life thus far. Urges that I shall never utter to another soul in existence. I naturally desire these dark fantasies (many of them being sexual), but I genuinely wish that I did not. Some of these compulsions are, perhaps, reasons why I derailed from the spiritual path that I was on prior to my pursuit of philosophical education. These desires are quite cumbersome, in truth. Yet, in the times I have acted upon them, they provided me with some form of intense natural intoxication.

I often cringe at myself when reflecting on some of these thoughts or behaviors. I look at myself with sheer disgust, disapproval, and absolute shame — nearly wishing that I could punish myself for so much as conceiving such atrocious thoughts. Many things I have acted upon, I generally reflect on with contempt — shamefully wishing they never happened.

Remedial Introspection

This is the same self-perception I had when I was deep into my religious journey. Masturbation, specifically, rattled my progress in the spiritual context. Of course, it all leads back to the lack of discipline. I need to focus on the insights I have learned and ascertained, and I need to actually apply them. Otherwise, of what practical use are they to me?

I’m fully aware that true, unwavering belief in myself is the ESSENTIAL first step, as has been biologically proven. Thus, that knowledge, alone, informs me that it’s more than possible to discipline myself and train myself to be better. Now, it’s about time I discard the bullshit excuses, whether I think them to be valid or otherwise, and get my ass to work on me. Perhaps, come to think of it, that has been one of my most significant obstacles: the belief that my excuses are valid and reasonable. It’s about time to make some changes around this bitch.

Myself and my brother, Jeremiah